I might not be able to trust that depression or anxiety won’t come knocking again. In fact, I can probably trust the opposite to be true – that I will likely always be a little more vulnerable to a lower mood and to higher levels of anxiety. But despite now knowing what the future holds, there is a point to all this effort.
I’m learning about myself and other things I can trust instead. The world is an unpredictable, confusing, and often scary place, but throughout it all I have had myself. I think I’m so reluctant to trust others because I don’t feel worthy nor do I trust myself. I know I will be my own life-long companion so I might as well make myself the best support I can be. I deserve to trust myself.
What I can trust, is that I will cary with me the skills I’m building and the tools I’m learning to help me when change happens, because change will happen. I can trust that in practicing to be kinder to myself I am building a stronger foundation to help keep me more balanced when my demons come back to try to tear me down. I can trust that building these new habits will provide me with a different, hopefully more constructive, way to respond to the familiar obstacles I will inevitably encounter. I can trust with knowing what I know now, and more, I will be able to catch myself if I fall. I trust that what I’m learning now will help me be able to pick myself back up, since I’ve done it before.
I can trust that truly taking care of myself is never a wasted effort. I expect to feel alone sometimes, but in working on myself I hope to feel in good company. I can trust that leaning on my support system now will remind me that I will have these valuable resources in the future, and if I don’t, I’ll know where to find them.
I can trust that there is a part of me that knows what’s best, that feels what’s best, even if I don’t listen to it. I can trust that this intuition will guide me, even in the smallest of ways. I can trust that in practicing to acknowledge how it manifests, I will cultivate its growth and gradually guide myself to where I need to be.
I know it’s not going to be easy, but I can trust that there is more out there for me. I can trust that humankind didn’t evolve this far to live like this – to live teetering on the edge of suffering and apathy. Our capacity for emotion, thought, and consciousness doesn’t exist for us to just survive but rather to thrive. I can trust that it’s in my biology to feel more, to do more and to be more than “fine”.
I can trust that I am intelligent, hardworking, and I care an awful lot and that this will be true of me no matter my mood.