Haul

via Daily Prompt: Haul

A lot of those who suffer, suffer in silence. They carry their burdens alone. Hauling around demons that destroy them.

I’ve recently been coming to realize that no one has to do it alone (And no one likely CAN do it alone). The weight on your shoulders, the turmoil in your mind that you try to make sense of, can all be eased with help.

Of course your burden can be lessened with help, but ultimately you yourself are responsible for reaching out. For so long I also suffered in silence, until I felt I couldn’t go on anymore. Asking for help may be the one of the most terrifying things you’ll have to do, but it’s not as terrifying as the prospect of remaining stuck in your suffering. It’s worth it. It’s not a sign of weakness, it’s a sign of strength.

My mind often tells me that I’m not worthy of help, that other people are worse off, that no one really cares, or that there’s no hope. In these times I try to say f*ck you to my mind. Like a virus, my disorders try to take control to sustain themselves, but by fighting we pursuing a path of freedom. It may seem unimaginable right now, but so much lies beyond what we know.

Humans, by our nature, are social beings. We have always relied on each other for survival. We’ve fought against the elements, disease, wild animals, each other. The only difference in our fight against mental health is the stigma. Sociologists examine groups of people as their basic units, knowing full-well that we’re stronger in groups. We’re stronger together.

I admit that I dislike feeling like I have to rely on other people but it’s ignorant of me to continue denying that there are people out there who know better than me. There a specialists trained in helping people like us for gods sakes! I often resist help because I’m hesistant and I don’t want to admit how far I’ve fallen. I’ve started to realize this is out of fear. Fear of the unknow. Fear of failing. What if I try and don’t succeeed? Well, it’s not excuse not to try.

These days I’ve been incredibly lucky to have a great support system around me. Although it’s hard for me to accept love I don’t think I deserve I can appreciate all that they do for me. I know who to call if I can’t get out of bed in the morning. One of my best friends is always there to check on me and to listen. Other times I need a kick in the butt to get motivated. For now I need to rely on my support to provide me with the hope I don’t have. To push me to recover when I don’t want to. My psychologist told me today, that because of the nature of depression, if I wait until i “feel like” I want to recover, it will likely be too late.

For now I’m to remind myself of external reasons to get better. For others. For things I might want to do.

“Suicide doesn’t end the pain, it just puts it on the shoulders of those you leave behind”.

I have been waiting for a moment of realization where my path becomes clear and I’ve decided to start down a healthy road, but I realize now, by not changing anything I’m never going to get there.

It feels a little bit like jumping in blindly and hoping for the best but that’s essentially what it is. I don’t know what to expect. I just have to have faith. Have faith that those I love won’t give up on me. Have faith that I can apply my work ethic and dedication to this journey as well. To have faith in the professionals (psychiatric and medical) who know what to do.

“As long as you’re alive, there’s hope”.

Those who love you are not going to stop holding on to that hope. Maybe there will come a time when I don’t have to have the hope shoved in my face to motivate me. Maybe I’ll reach a point where I can see the hope and where I want to recover for myself. But for now, I’m extremely grateful that I have my friends and family to help haul me out of my darkness until I can find the light for myself.

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